Birthday blog -Written on July the 6th, 2009

I meant to write during my trip, but I guess the topic fits with this one. How long has it been since I’ve said anything? I’ve been busy. Just two days ago I re-read a piece I wrote almost exactly a year ago, and I was shocked by my own words, but not surprised. I was in pretty rough shape back then. Hard to believe, that back then I felt so defeated. To be honest I was. I know I was. It’s scary to confront yourself like that. And I find myself having to face up to it all the time. Since many of the things I see, say or do remind me of that dark time.
Recently, I got a new position in my family. One that gave me some privileges, but also a lot of responsibilities. A step closer to being an adult I suppose. I was a little upset about it at first. Having another burden placed on me wasn’t fair. I didn’t feel ready or right for the job. And I was overwhelmed by the rules and everything. I am 20 years old today, and I feel that pillow hovering over my face all over again. But since a week before I came back home from my trip, the trip I took to secure my position. I’ve made peace with my role and I’ve accepted it along with my new responsibilities. I’ve had to make peace with a lot of things this year. Accept a lot of realties that I simply have no control over. I learned at a young age that you can’t have everything you want. And yet I still ache for things that I won’t even touch.
Of course there are things I haven’t been able to make peace with. Simply because I’m not ready to, or I’m not strong enough, or because it still hurts, and I’ve got too much pride to admit that I’m still nursing some wounds.
I’ve accepted that fact that I’m never going to completely heal. It is a terrifying moment when you realize that the pain will never fully disappear. That you’re never going to smile the way you used to. You have to get up and carry that pain with you, not let it drag you or bring you to your knees. I understand that I will never be able to forget everything that happened last year. And I understand that I’ll never completely heal from what it did to me. The most difficult task for me will be to face myself and make peace. A part of me is most of all terrified of the idea. I thought the trip would help me to soul search and it did, but I need to look at the situation through me first, and I’m still afraid to do that. To fully look into the mirror and count exactly how many broken pieces and shards there are.
Battles won and lost. But I like to think that I’ve made it on top in the end. I find myself still in the dark gloomy places, but I’m able to come out into the sunshine more. I won’t allow myself to get too used to the good times, but I appreciate them all the more because they won’t last or are cut short. But I’m proud of what I could do under my circumstances, I did a lot and I’m quite pleased. They are small victories, and maybe someday they’ll add up. One thing that I sure about was no matter what I did, I didn’t give up and I did the best I could each time. I have never bowed down to anyone and I don’t plan to.
The theatre was my biggest accomplishment. I am currently planning a huge comeback and I’m very excited. I am planning to launch a poetry book, and a small part of that book will contain some of the pieces that I wrote during that time. I think I’m ready to pour some of those dark feelings out, and for some good to finally come from all the bad and the pain. With the same thoughts in mind I am beginning to write screen plays for series of music video from artist that I felt have capture some of those feelings. One of the feature videos will contain a song from Michael Jackson, as a tribute to him.

His death was a shock for me naturally and it sadden me because, we need more people like him. He was a good man, and an inspiration. I think any performer, be it singer, dancer, and even actor can and should look to him, because he could always do it all. And he was a fighter, as well as a dreamer, and I remembered that a I watched the memorial. I know I won’t be able to do him justice, but I will do my best. Rest in peace Michael Jackson.
I’ve had my trials and struggles in the are of performance as I have said. To be honest, after August, I was so terrified because I thought I wouldn’t be able to perform again, or anything sometimes. As Actors, we give and feed from our emotions, but mine were just too chaotic and fragile. But time passed and I was fortunate to have found a company that is allowing me to work with them, and learn, and grow. I’ve met some wonderful people there who have watched me battle some of my demons on the stage, as I re-built myself as a person and as a performer. I’m still re-building, and it has not been an easy task. But I’m extremely happy and relieved that I have returned to stage . It would have destroyed me if I couldn’t. The theater, the arts are all I really have and make up a great deal of who I am. Of course these don’t completely define me. Though I couldn’t imagine my self being without my work. I won’t even think about it.
There are several people I’m very fortunate to call friends, and I have met many more people still this year who have surprised me and I find myself indebted to them. I’m glad I met them and honored to have spent time with. They made me realize that I know twice as many decent people than the cowards and bastards I’ve had the displeasure to have known. And that makes a big difference and I can’t thank them enough. I can’t even list them like I did a few blogs ago, there are just too many. I hope you do know who you are though.
Having said this, I can’t say that my faith in people has not been shaken. It has been partly dismantle, and I find myself with even more resentment towards a certain gender and my opinion about them wasn’t very high in the first place. Besides the more obvious emotions such as anger and sadness and hatred, I mostly feel a great disappointment, but not without reason. I hope someday I could be proven wrong, but unfortunately I think its already too late.
Again I sit here and wonder why I’m blogging about this everywhere, particularly on Facebook, because to be honest I hate Facebook with a passion. It’s an excuse not to communicate with someone face to face in real life, is was also used as a weapon against me. It also demands us to prove that we’re doing things, and having fun by posting about the parties we’ve been too, but really we’re just sitting for hours in front of a screen, moving our fingers a little and sometimes our hands and wrists and doing in actuality, NOTHING! And the creators make a profit from our words and posting. (I’ve decided to write this in just so they are aware I’m giving them the finger and spend as little time as possible on Facebook for these reasons. They are not for the good of society, simple as that) I also find it upsetting that thousands of people might know about my grief and not my closes relatives. My sibling has Facebook, spends hours and she probably has no idea what I’ve blogged about. That to me is hurtful, and its not because I don’t want to talk, but because no one will listen.
I’ve tried to talk to my family about how depressed I’ve been. They have found out about my tattoo and are really upset, but they refuse to understand my reasoning behind it. To define myself and not follow what society wants me to be. When I talk about what’s been going on with me emotionally, they pretend it doesn’t exist. I was even told that I was using depression as an excuse not to work hard. It hurt. It hurt so much to hear that they believe I’m imagining my struggles. I’m trying to reach out to them, but they refuse to support me. It would have upset me a great deal last year, and it still does now, but I realize that they don’t understand. They have painted me in their minds with an illusion appearance and don’t want to see what the real me is really like. That hurts.

I wish to end this blog with a final thought I want to share. Aside of all my rambling and trials and errors, I’ve grown a little. I know that. I think that you find out you’re growing up when you want to correct yourself or change and fight for something better than what’s placed in front of you. To get what you want takes a great deal of time an effort, and in the end, you might not get what you want. I remember, when I first realized I was growing up was when I first said “Life sucks.” That’s right. Because that’s the reality. The childhood dream of living happily ever after disappears. As I think about this, I am reminded of a quote from the film “The Crow” “Your childhood ends when you realize your going to die.” So very true. Growing up has always been really scary for me. Change is another fear. I can’t stand it, but maybe it’s too selfish to ask for everything to stay the same. But I feel that whenever something changes, it’s always for the worst. I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure to see this happen time and time again. Change for the most is always hard, whether positive or negative. But just another reality I have to accept. It doesn’t me I have to change for the worst. I understand that. Even though it can sometimes be troubling when everyone else decides to change and you don’t. Harder when you’re always the odd-WOMAN out in the first place.

I know what I have to do and I need to push forward, no matter how hard it gets. I’ve learned not to take the easy way out. I deserve to fight for my life and my pride.
I had hoped to cry less this year, that has not happened because I can never forget all the things that broke me. I still find myself crying as a I fall asleep, or wake with a coldness in my chest. But I can push on. Without or without support. I will push on.